Equal Opportunities

One of the most challenging struggles I have faced in marriage is just how selfish I am. How some days, when I feel my whole life revolves around Joseph's life, what he needs what he desires etc, i just want to go do my own thing! (like my ways are wiser *eye roll*) I, without cause mind you, feel like my life is to be shelved forever. This is the furthest thing from the truth mind you. And it ANGERS me, that these thoughts even enter my mind. HOW DARE I?!?!

I was reminded of Genesis 3:16

To the woman he said,

“I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;

iin pain you shall bring forth children.

jYour desire shall be for6 your husband,

and he shall krule over you.” ~Genesis 3:16

My desire is to be a leader, but place is to be a help meet, my proper place is to have my husband rule over me, but my sinful nature keeps it from always being a willing act.

I never considered myself to be selfish, I always thought I desired to be a side kick... and I do cherish my unique place next to my husband! I just didn't think I would struggle so much holding off plans and decisions to see what would happen with "someone else." I always thought I was prepared for Proverbs 31 "wife-ing." How sin loves to deceive me... Being faced with a mirror of your own self-serving desires can be frightening. How can I truly be a 'good wife' when my innermost heart has such selfish motives at times?

I have so many goals and ambitions, and I am fine with plan B's and contingencies; God's plans are always more perfect than a planner/dreamer like me can ever imagine. But letting go and letting God,can be such a struggle. Why can't I just trust that God's plans are perfect? And with a godly leader in my house, why do I not trust God working in his decisions for what is best for our family? Where did my 'feminist' tenancies come from? I have never felt the desire to 'do my own thing' more than I have in the past few months. I have wanted to run away with my own selfish goals...I feel pent up and ready to ...to.... I don't even know how to complete that sentence. Because, let's be honest....does it really matter? I am so blessed, so loved, and respected. I want for nothing. Besides, I don't even know what I truly want.... all I know is that the only calm I find is in Christ; when He shows me my clear path. I just feel my path is a little murky... I am sure some light will be shed soon.

So, I have my plans. I have my prayers for Joseph. Valley of Vision by the bed...

My ramblings end now.

~Semper Reformanda