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My 23rd year of life approaches. I can see it looming in a distance, it will be closely followed by a few quick milestones leading me to age 30; and thus the downward, or upward, however optimistic you are, spiral of my short life. In a few rare quiet moments I like to follow the few rabbit trails that led me to where I am today. The prayers my parents had for me, the interests they encouraged, God's ultimate plan for my life which liked to tip, turn, and knock over things I pursued and tried to plan mySELF. And the big obvious influences. A hop skip and jump it felt like from age 5 until now. A blink. And yet, the painfully slow processes in between....

Which brings me here. 22 years old. Missing that 12 year old me. Wondering where the last 10 years has gone...And wondering if old Kate would be proud of THIS Kate...

Honestly,she would be sorely disappointed. Mainly because she won't understand the choices I made until she LIVES. She is young, naive, and oh so judgmental, but it is true in many ways I let her down.
If she knew that I was contemplating using a $30 off coupon to make a particular pair of jeans affordable, she would scream.
If she knew words I have said, hurtful things, to friends and family, she would be appalled.
If she knew how low my spiritual low points have hit these last 10 years she would weep with worry for her soul!
If she knew about all books read, movies seen, lips kissed, even adventures experienced; everything that has shaped me, for better and worse, into the adult I am now, Would she understand?
She would stare forlornly at my knitting box and sewing machine untouched this entire year.
She would look at my phone in and out calls and miss certain names who don't call 'round anymore, and with whom I have stopped making an effort.
She would go through my computer files looking for 'that novel' to be finished and still find random bits all over the place.
She'll be disappointed I don't do karate anymore, she will wonder why my used point shoes aren't hanging my office wall.


Well, I think she would like my new Bible, and how much I am trying to read regularly, She would like that I still underline parts that stab me hard. That I still weep when reading Augustine's confessions, and I still love my family more than anything, although the family has grown by 2.

She would listen to me talk about my job, and wonder why I don't leave, why I have sold out and am still complaining,age 12 or 23 about 'not being understood.'

She would tell me to grow up.

haha this was really fun to analyze. Oh Kate you silly silly girl. (um the 12 and 22 year old one)

peace

"My God is so great So strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do!" ~An old CEF song I used to sing at Bible Clubs

I am just going to be brutally honest. A stressful couple of weeks of work, right along with a stressful couple of weeks waiting out an apparently 50 day *cycle*, I have been a stressed mess.

Now my husband is constantly teaching me what I thought I would teach him about contentment, (Thomas Watson's the Art of Divine Contentment being one of my all time favorite life changing reads). He is the epitome of support and love when I fall to pieces. (Joseph not THomas Watson....ok Thomas Watson too, but here I mean Joseph)

And when I expect him to stress and question God, he points me more towards Christ and in no uncertain terms reminds me that God's plans are perfect and my plans are not.

These past few weeks I had to face my selfishness head on. ( a whole other blog post would be how marriage, in general, has shown me more than anything else, what a HORRIBLY SELFISH person I actually am)

I have felt so overwhelmed, but after much prayer with my husband, and with a lovely lady from COPC (who lets me bang on her piano every week as well) I feel so very at peace today. And with that peace came a few answers.

I am newly motivated and dedicated, was extremely productive at work, have new goals and aspirations, and feel joyful and FULL as I continue praying for joy and contentment as God's plan for my life slowly dissolves mine.

Inspirational food for my thoughts 1 peter 1:8 "Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."