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My 23rd year of life approaches. I can see it looming in a distance, it will be closely followed by a few quick milestones leading me to age 30; and thus the downward, or upward, however optimistic you are, spiral of my short life. In a few rare quiet moments I like to follow the few rabbit trails that led me to where I am today. The prayers my parents had for me, the interests they encouraged, God's ultimate plan for my life which liked to tip, turn, and knock over things I pursued and tried to plan mySELF. And the big obvious influences. A hop skip and jump it felt like from age 5 until now. A blink. And yet, the painfully slow processes in between....

Which brings me here. 22 years old. Missing that 12 year old me. Wondering where the last 10 years has gone...And wondering if old Kate would be proud of THIS Kate...

Honestly,she would be sorely disappointed. Mainly because she won't understand the choices I made until she LIVES. She is young, naive, and oh so judgmental, but it is true in many ways I let her down.
If she knew that I was contemplating using a $30 off coupon to make a particular pair of jeans affordable, she would scream.
If she knew words I have said, hurtful things, to friends and family, she would be appalled.
If she knew how low my spiritual low points have hit these last 10 years she would weep with worry for her soul!
If she knew about all books read, movies seen, lips kissed, even adventures experienced; everything that has shaped me, for better and worse, into the adult I am now, Would she understand?
She would stare forlornly at my knitting box and sewing machine untouched this entire year.
She would look at my phone in and out calls and miss certain names who don't call 'round anymore, and with whom I have stopped making an effort.
She would go through my computer files looking for 'that novel' to be finished and still find random bits all over the place.
She'll be disappointed I don't do karate anymore, she will wonder why my used point shoes aren't hanging my office wall.


Well, I think she would like my new Bible, and how much I am trying to read regularly, She would like that I still underline parts that stab me hard. That I still weep when reading Augustine's confessions, and I still love my family more than anything, although the family has grown by 2.

She would listen to me talk about my job, and wonder why I don't leave, why I have sold out and am still complaining,age 12 or 23 about 'not being understood.'

She would tell me to grow up.

haha this was really fun to analyze. Oh Kate you silly silly girl. (um the 12 and 22 year old one)

peace

"My God is so great So strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do!" ~An old CEF song I used to sing at Bible Clubs

I am just going to be brutally honest. A stressful couple of weeks of work, right along with a stressful couple of weeks waiting out an apparently 50 day *cycle*, I have been a stressed mess.

Now my husband is constantly teaching me what I thought I would teach him about contentment, (Thomas Watson's the Art of Divine Contentment being one of my all time favorite life changing reads). He is the epitome of support and love when I fall to pieces. (Joseph not THomas Watson....ok Thomas Watson too, but here I mean Joseph)

And when I expect him to stress and question God, he points me more towards Christ and in no uncertain terms reminds me that God's plans are perfect and my plans are not.

These past few weeks I had to face my selfishness head on. ( a whole other blog post would be how marriage, in general, has shown me more than anything else, what a HORRIBLY SELFISH person I actually am)

I have felt so overwhelmed, but after much prayer with my husband, and with a lovely lady from COPC (who lets me bang on her piano every week as well) I feel so very at peace today. And with that peace came a few answers.

I am newly motivated and dedicated, was extremely productive at work, have new goals and aspirations, and feel joyful and FULL as I continue praying for joy and contentment as God's plan for my life slowly dissolves mine.

Inspirational food for my thoughts 1 peter 1:8 "Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

heart

"Be your best friend, tell the truth overuse 'I Love yous'", go to work, do your best don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your praying knees get lazy, and love like CRAAAAZZZYYYY!"

I learn so much from country songs just when I need the encouragement most.

The diary of a fly

I used to play this piece on the piano by Bartok called the Diary of a Fly. Youtube it. It is fabulous. and short. And I loved playing it back in the day when I had talent :-)
I remember after a fundraising performance I had played someone came up to me at the mingle time after the concert and said "I would tell you that you played beautiful, except that piece is anything but beautiful!" ummmm thanks?? It was true the dissonance of Bartok's genius could be unnerving to some, and as much as I loved the piece it wasn't necessarily enjoyable to my audience. Of all my piano performances in my 12 years of classical piano, this incident has never left my mind. And lately I feel I relate to my Bartok performances more than ever before. I could perform technically flawless in....let's say 'life' and still its just not what someone wanted to hear. Personal preference. Biased opinion. Subjective assessments. When your best just isn't good enough. ouch?

I guess that is why we can only perform our best and try to see God as our only audience, my job is glorify HIM and enjoy HIM forever right? Easier said then done...

I suppose a thank you to Bartok is in order for a life lesson

thank goodness for husbands

Joseph is fixing my flat tire before I go to work and he goes to the Chili cook off. How awesome, I didn't notice my tire was leaking *yet* So he is getting that taken care of. I love having a husband that is JOSEPH!

nice and quiet

Joseph is in Sierra vista watching football with my dad. And as guilty as I feel about not watching the Steelers play, after this really long week, I am enjoying watching hours and hours of the office and scrapbooking.

The making strides for the cure against Breast Cancer walk went well today. Working the survivor tent with Kellye and another CST therapist was fun. It did not seem to be as busy as last year but still the women as always seem super grateful.

My lazy self is not used to waking at 5:30 am. .....and for some reason I had a horrbile time falling asleep last night! I am sure I will rest solid tonight.

There is much I could blog about... othoer MTs who are annoying....
some new things I am intersted in FST fascial Stretch Therapy....

And FUZZ!! Love this video on youtube about Fascia. Nerdy but I LOVE IT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FtSP-tkSug

"I don't see it, I think they both could do better."

Its been a while since I have blogged. But because there is 2 loads of laundry waiting, dishes in the sink, homework to attend to and some take-home projects from work to tackle... it seems like the perfect time to blog.

Today was a horrible day to wake up. I thought today was going to be awful. I didn't even want to give it a chance. I whined and moaned to my husband about how much I didn't want today to be.... "noooooo, I don't like today." Then Joseph reminded me why today was going to be great. no.... why today was going to be FANTASTIC. and even more so that today was going to be MEMORABLE. I smiled, shaped up, and went out to face this 'today'... and it was good.

I am going to take bad days at that from now on...what I might consider a bad day might be the best day of someone's life, and why be a joy kill? And who am I to claim that I KNOW when God is going to teach me, show me, or love on me in someway special?

However, there was one reason that today was extra special. My brother is engaged. There. The secret is out! My brother proposed to miss Katie Cheney today and I will soon have a sister! hooray! Words can't cover the joy in my heart for this couple. For me to find someone I consider worthy of my brother is one thing....but to have met Katie and question if my brother is even worthy of her...... means that this is going to be epic.

So, wedding bells will chime once more in the Fink household!

"And we're the 4 best friends that anyone could have.." :-)